Friday, October 22, 2010

Something still..

...isn't quite right. While my mother has gotten a job, I still feel antsy. I feel like I can't discuss it with anyone because anyone I know in person would not understand? I don't know how to feel... All I know for sure is that I have to keep working at least 5 days a week in order to get rent together. It'll be the only thing that will keep me sane.

So what about now - when you feel like something is wrong, and you know it's wrong... even when you don't know how to explain it either? That while you try to grow and try to understand yourself more, as to what makes you the person you are.. and people don't get you either?

Maybe trying to rectify old ties really is pointless. Rho, I miss you honey, but you don't even call me anymore, and it's hurting. At least just tell me you're okay - and reply to my letters.

It's beginning to come to the point where I think I just need a break... and a break is simple what I can't afford at the time. I wonder when things will be alright again - even if I try to make amends, try to reach out to people. I don't understand.

Damien - thanks for fucking me up, seriously. When my parents split 11 years ago, I should have chose mum to live with. I at least would have been more social, would understand people - I would have completed highschool and I would most likely have my dream job.

I just felt the need to rant here. And no one's there.. so. Aren't these things used for this kind of thing? I hate feeling this way. I hate being stressed. :(

Monday, October 11, 2010

In need of change right now.

So.. I've moved in with my mother now, as of the end of August. Things are not all right. My mother is jobless, my sister doesn't work and it's just basically me, bringing home the bacon, as it were to say.

Unfortunately it leaves me with little time to even think nowadays. I'm short-tempered, completely exhausted and with every other word that happens to fall out of my mouth I tend to say the wrong thing. I'm seriously looking at my life and while I'm not depressed - things are REALLY hard right now.
The fact is that we're dirt poor and living off a part-timer (with full-timer's hours)'s salary - three person family, coupled with a 1250$ monthly rent.

I'm so stressed out. I don't even want to talk about work. I want them all just to blend together, hoping that one day soon mum finds a job so I can finally fucking relax. Every night I can't seem to sleep enough - even if I go to bed at 20h - and there is no other thought in my mind other than 'need to make money'.